So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
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Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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