so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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