The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
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The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
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We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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