i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
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