I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
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Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
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I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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