My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
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I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
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Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
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