Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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