alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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