I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
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You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
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Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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