please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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