Life is so much better after having sex.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
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I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
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I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I want a musical about memes.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
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