The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
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This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
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SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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