do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
