Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
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I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
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My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
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