look no pants
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize