Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize