Cold hands, warm shart.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
