i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
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