Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
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THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
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She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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