let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
