I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize