Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
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And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
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All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
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