Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
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True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
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I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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