YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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