at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
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