i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
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I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
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You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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