She announced her abortion via fbk
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
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just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
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What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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