i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
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Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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