Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
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If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
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Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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