Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
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Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
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i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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