I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
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I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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