went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
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I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
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Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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