I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize