college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
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