I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
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Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
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The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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