I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
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I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
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You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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