Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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