true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
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