so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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