i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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