i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
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i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
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The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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