Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
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She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
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I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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