It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
