She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
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these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
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Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
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