Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
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