I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
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