I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
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Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
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My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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