3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
he shaved USA in his pubs
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
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Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
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Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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