Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
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She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
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The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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