omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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